Erectile Dysfunction and Intimacy
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Nature vs Nurture Differences in Men and Women
For some people, particularly those suffering from sexual difficulties such
as erectile dysfunction, sexual function is often associated with a degree
of anxiety. We all want to be good lovers and to give pleasure to both our
partners and ourselves. Unfortunately for many of us, however, sexual skills
often seem to be defined by physical abilities and performance. Although men
may often define sex in a physical way, this is not the case for a large number
of women. What sexually arouses a man is often very different from what sexually
arouses a woman. Unfortunately, this difference is often misunderstood, or
ignored!
Consider for a moment how our society has taught men to relate to each other.
Think of what we see in movies and on TV. Men shake hands, slap each other
on the back and give "bear hugs" to each other on important occasions.
A father and son relate by wrestling and other physical play. Men and boys
often do things together. They play ball, go fishing, work on the car, work
in the yard. For many men, words are less important in developing and maintaining
relationships. Action is the name of the game. This is one reason why a sexual
problem can be so difficult for guys. Our culture hasn't taught men how to
talk about these issues. Concern, embarrassment, and a lack of experience
often prevents verbal communication.
On the other hand, women in our society have been taught to relate with words.
Women often feel that the most important aspect of their relationship is the
extent that the couple can talk about problems. Many women don't consider
talking about cars, sports or the things that interest a guy to be "good
communication". Women may be much more concerned with the feelings and
thoughts behind the actions. Women like to be told that they are valued for
who they are or that their assistance is appreciated. Men often take these
things for granted and see little need to go into such details. Men feel that
women should just "know" these things and that saying them is not
necessary-after all, look at all that men "do" that shows our love.
Sometimes, paying attention to these simple differences can make a significant
change in the quality of a sexual encounter. Want some examples?
Men "show" their love differently than women.
If you ask most men to describe ways in which they show their love for their
partner, many will offer that they are showing their love by doing things
for and with their partners. Examples include providing financial support
(home, material things, etc.), spending time with her, going for a walk, watching
TV, going to a restaurant, getting her car fixed and of course, having sex.
Demonstration of love in this way can be called "shared activity".
In other words, many men show their love by spending time with their partner
and doing things with her-an action oriented approach to love. Words, that
is to say verbal communication, is often seen by men as less important-men
are trained by our culture to think, "actions speak louder than words".
Many women, on the other hand, often show their affection by discussion and
personal sharing. This is the kind of thing many women do with each other.
There is a strong emphasis on verbal communication. Emotional intimacy, or
closeness, is the most important goal. To many women, being honest about feelings,
being open and talking about the relationship shows love for their partner.
Unfortunately, this intimacy is often the first victim of sexual problems
like erectile dysfunction. Studies have shown that in couples with ED, not
only the frequency of sexual intercourse decreases-which isn't surprising-
but the frequency of other affectionate, intimate behavior decreases as well.
Men and women experiencing erectile dysfunction in the relationship report
less touching, handholding, hugging, and kissing-activities that may be non-sexual,
but intimate and reassuring to both partners.
Many women (and men) appreciate a partner who can and will talk about their
feelings and be open and vulnerable. If you're feeling anxious or worried
about something, and particularly if you are worried about sex or concerned
about an erection, why not say so? If you appreciate him/her in some special
way, why not say that too?
Most women also want a partner who can say, "I love you". Nothing-neither
chronic illness-including erectile dysfunction-nor communication skills prevent
a man from pleasing their partner in this important way. Many men simply don't
realize how important it is to communicate with their partner in this simple
way.
In summary, men and women are different in more ways than the obvious physical
ones. Many women want their partner to be genuine, open, honest and considerate,
and feel that the important way to show this is through verbal communication.
This doesn't necessarily come easily for most men, and unfortunately, many
women have difficulty explaining to their partners exactly what they are seeking.
It takes real effort to be emotionally available and sensitive to the needs
of one's partner. By focusing less exclusively on the physical issues however,
a couple can often achieve a new level of closeness and intimacy, even though
they are experiencing sexual difficulties.
